Requiem news
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Posted 1/6/07
Golden Gate Slasher Caught!
Chief of Police Heather J. Fong was pleased to announce the capture of the serial killer that so recently terrorized San Francisco. In a press conference held on Saturday January 6, 2007, Chief Fong announced that the long investigation had finally paid off and a suspect has been taken into custody. Chief Wong, looking incredibly relieved to finally have some good news in this case that has long plagued her career, told reporters that the case against Barney C Collins, age 37, is "incredibly strong. We have weapon, motive, and trophies all found in the suspects possession. The nightmare in San Francisco is now over."
San Francisco Schools Teaching More Than Our Children?
In a recent study conducted by a group of UC Berkeley graduate students every public school in the San Francisco area, from middle to high, has been identified as being haunted. From lockers opening and closing themselves, translucent forms smoking in the girls' room, and three directional winds blowing down the halls, it seems that our cities children all are sharing their schools with the echoes of earlier times.
While the study suggested that paranormal activity in all of our schools might contribute to phenomenon ranging from juvenile depression to teenage obesity, the focus of the study stayed on the verifiable influence of location anxiety on the learning process. According to this funded study, students learn more in areas that feel safe and secure and learn less in areas where they do not. While many might find this assessment to be common sense, local parents groups have been taking the San Francisco Unified School District to task on the matter.
A local PFLAG representative said in an interview, "Our children have enough on their minds with school dances and budding sexualities. The last thing they need is to worry about Bloody Mary scratching their eyes out or the Hook Man ruining prom. We owe it to our children to at least provide facilities that can do away with nonsensical fears of ghosts and goblins."
Acting Superintendent Gwen Chan commented, "We live in a great city full of life and history. Part of that greatness comes from our historic buildings and if we were to not utilize every public building in San Francisco that had some claim of tragedy, we would have to rebuild everything after every earthquake, fire, or storm. Not only is this a laughable thought, it is also an economic impossibility. We should be proud of our city and our ability to perservere."
Dark Rider Reign of Terror Ended?
After months of terror, the biker gang that has perpetrated a string of crime and violence in the Marin area has faded into nothingness. Sources say that whatever gang war or rivalry had been going on to provoke such a rash of crime has been resolved, although it is unclear at this time who the gangwar was with or even who exactly won. All that is known is that the streets seem to be a little safer.
Polaris Incorporated Announces Scholarship Fund
Local corporate mogul Lukas Astor announced in a press conference that Guiding Light Labs was earmarking millions of dollars to provide promising students in the fields of genetics, physics, psychology, and anthropology full ride scholarships to the prestigious local universities. Eight students each from UC Berkeley, Stanford, and UC San Francisco had their tuition paid in full so long as they can maintain a B average in their chosen course of study.
Local rights groups were quick to point out that all of the students were of scandanavian descent, showing photos of the recipients who all were blond haired and blue eyed.
